To women who are involved with a man in prison, whether a friend, girlfriend, wife, or pen-pal… I want to first speak for the hundreds of thousands of men in prison in America, and say THANK YOU! Trust me, he deeply thanks you in his heart, even though he may not say it often.
Ladies, if the incarcerated man you’re dealing with isn’t handling his business by improving his life with programming, getting his GED, learning a skill or trade, or talking positively: WALK AWAY FROM HIM NOW! Trust the words of a man who has been in prison close to 22 years, and who has mentored thousands of incarcerated men. If he isn’t trying to be the best man he can be, and to change from his past criminal thinking or behavior, then cut ties with him. Life is too short to wait for a boy to want to be a man. I want women to know the reality of what they are getting into, or how to get out from under a man who isn’t trying to change. Hearing the truth is important, and here it is.
A woman should want to show her support and love for the incarcerated man she is dealing with through her actions. Letters, cards, pictures, texting, and emailing are all needed when dealing with a man in prison. All a man in prison thinks about is being free. The better the woman in his life can help him feel like he is free, the easier his life will be. The incarcerated man has to get and stay mentally ready to deal with being released, being on parole/probation, living in a halfway house, and adjusting to family and loved ones all over again. He will have to find employment with having a record, and manage a long list of other important things that will stress him out. The reality of starting from nothing, and having to prepare himself to hear, “I’m sorry, Sir…we can’t hire you due to your record,” many, many times when applying for a job, will bring him down.
I have mentored thousands of incarcerated men for many years. Do you know that 60% of the incarcerated, once released, come back to jail/prison within three years? Do you want to know why? I will be the first to tell you that prison doesn’t really help the incarcerated. It’s supposed to be a rehabilitation program, but prison is really a dangerous joke. The majority of men who I have mentored and who have subsequently returned to prison have told me, “Leonard, I’m back due to lack of support, and not having the right people in my corner.”
So, ladies, here are some great ways to be the best support system to the incarcerated man in your life:
#1. Understand and know his release plan. If he doesn’t have one, and he is worth keeping in your life, then help him create one. Talk to him about his probation, parole, and halfway house conditions and rules, if he’s close to coming home. Encourage him to get his mind right, and help him in positive ways to get ready to be released.
#2. Get over his past life that led him to prison. He made a mistake, and if he is worth your time, unconditional love, and attention, then never bring up the past. Always try to be positive. If you’re in his life, you’re in his reality. There is no in-between.
#3. Work with him, and not against him. You can’t be his support system if you’re fighting and arguing with him over dumb, unimportant stuff. Don’t tell him you are going to do something, and then don’t do it. That’s the worst thing that can happen to someone incarcerated: getting their hopes up, to be let down.
#4. Communication is key. Whether emails, phone calls, letters, visits, photos, or “Thinking of You” cards, always do your best to let him know you’re thinking of him, and that he can depend on you emotionally. You will never know the truth of what goes through his mind 24/7. Getting mail, hearing your voice, and receiving pictures of you are PRICELESS. If you’re romantically involved, don’t be camera shy. Send him some cute pictures of yourself. Trust me, the sight of your skin, thighs, feet, and face will make him smile all day long.
#5. Be open minded and willing to help put money on his books. Trust me, a man’s pride is already at its lowest, as he can’t provide for himself or for you. Be honest, and don’t promise him things that you know you can’t or won’t do.
All in all, holding down a man in prison will be hard. It’s mentally and emotionally draining. Keep all childish stuff away from him and just do your best!
Advocate / Mentor
Leonard E. Love